The Pitfalls of People-Pleasing: A Look into Fawning and Autism
When I was younger, I believed that if you’re a “good person,” everyone will treat you with respect and that there will always be a reason why someone dismisses you. However, past experiences have taught me that even if you’re a good person, there will always be people who don’t like you. People will judge you based on how you smile, how open-minded you are, and how well you’re doing academically. Despite knowing that, there is still a part of me who wants to be seen as a “good person” in the eyes of my peers and honour my younger self.
People-pleasing is not solely about wanting to avoid confrontation; it’s also about the fear of being seen as a “bad person.” The need to be seen as a “good person” is a trauma response to rejection earlier in life. Unfortunately, for many autistic people, people-pleasing can affect everyday life, from social interactions to making decisions.
There are three well-known trauma responses fight/flight/freeze, but another trauma response is fawning, which is the foundation of people-pleasing behaviour.
What is Fawning?
Fawning is a trauma response when a person appeases people to avoid confrontation. Unlike fighting, freezing or fleeing, people-pleasers respond to trauma by fawning, where they participate in behaviours to minimise conflict.
As Abby from Therapy with Abby states, fawning is a learned behaviour (unlike fight, flight and freeze, which is an involuntary response).
“Once fawning is learned, it becomes an immediate response to cope with trauma.”
Common Signs of Fawning for Autistic People:
Not speaking up during conversations where someone is being rude towards you.
Smiling and laughing during conversations where you feel uncomfortable.
Self-blaming yourself for not understanding someone’s emotion.
Saying “no” to invitations where you’ll feel overwhelmed.
Meeting other people’s needs rather than your own.
I have an internal fear of being judged. This includes being judged on my character by my peers and family. As a result, I’ve participated in many people-pleasing behaviours to avoid judgment from others and avoid being seen as a “good person.” For example, there have been many instances where I purposely self-blamed myself in confrontations to avoid conflict because I believed if I did then the other person would see me as a “kind, responsible and accountable person” as I put their needs before my own.
Self-blaming is a manifestation of people-pleasing. In this behaviour, you self-blame to control the outcome of a confrontation and create a positive outcome for the person you are appeasing.
The Effects of People-Pleasing
For me, people-pleasing has been a source of stress that has contributed to my experiences of depression, anxiety and burnout. Despite feeling validated when people reward my “good behaviour,” becoming skilled at mirroring others’ emotions has led to me neglecting my own needs. I become so distracted by my internal battle to appease others that I lose a sense of my identity, and thus experience a cycle of autistic shutdowns and burnouts.
What Next?
Challenging your people-pleasing behaviour takes time and patience. It’s important to establish boundaries during social interactions; doing so will enable you to become self-aware of your actions and take control. You can achieve this by reflecting on past conversations where you felt uncomfortable and determining the reasons for that discomfort. Did you agree to go out with friends despite feeling unwell? Did you refrain from speaking up during a conversation because you were worried about offending someone? This reflection will prepare you for future conversations where you can take charge of your behaviour.
As noted, people-pleasing revolves around avoiding confrontation. It may be uncomfortable to start prioritising your needs, but once you develop the habit of saying “no,” it will become second nature. Every day, I remind myself that I don’t require others’ validation to be seen as a “good person,” which involves recognising what makes me uncomfortable and understanding my values.
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