Autism & Camouflaging
Disclaimer: Any views, opinions and tips on this blog are personal and belong solely to myself (Kyra) and don’t represent the views of affiliated professionals and organisations. Additionally, I’m not a professional advisor regarding Autism and the content produced on this blog is solely from my own experiences.
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To camouflage means hiding parts of oneself to fit in with those around you. According to Dr Hannah Blecher, it’s a response to the trauma we’ve experienced during our lifetime. Thus, our main goal is to avoid detection as disabled so we can “blend” in with neurotypical people.
We learn social skills improve social interaction and adjust our behaviour according to the situation we’re in. Similar to code-switching, we adapt our behaviour (and appearance) to be accepted into social groups (Embrace Autism, 2024).
“We sacrifice our well-being and individuality to be seen as “normal.”
Why do we camouflage?
Research conducted by Cage and Trozell-Whitman (2019) found various reasons why Autistic people participate in camouflaging behaviours. These include the following:
To get others to take you, your ideas or work seriously.
To reduce awkwardness in social situations.
To perform well at your job or at university.
To make friends.
To fit in with your peers.
To appear likeable.
Ultimately, camouflaging is both an unconscious and subconscious response to the need to belong. Everyone wants to be part of a community where they feel secure and accepted, whether the level of acceptance means to fabricate a persona that caters to the group’s needs. This is because many Autistic people experience social exclusion in their life, as a result, it becomes our ultimate goal to prevent further anxiety caused by social exclusion trauma.
Camouflaging Subcategories
According to Hull et al (2018), there are 3 subcategories of camouflaging:
Compensation - Refers to mimicking allistic social norms by observing and scripting our behaviour.
Examples: Repeating phrases you’ve observed others say then using a script to plan conversations in social situations.
Masking - Refers to suppressing Autistic traits to appear “normal” or “socially acceptable.”
Examples: Replacing stimming with “ socially acceptable” behaviours.
Assimilation - Refers to participating in behaviours to try and fit in with others in social situations.
Examples: Feeling like you’re putting on a performance or forcing yourself to interact with others.
My camouflaging experience
My Autism diagnosis journey first began when I became aware of my camouflaging behaviours. Firstly, I noticed that I engaged in compensating behaviours to fit in with my peers at university. This involved participating in repetitive behaviours such as repeating words from TV Shows and developing a script I used during social interactions with other students. It wasn’t until talking with my friend that I realised that I was scripting conversations to reduce my social anxiety during social situations. This was due to the feeling that I couldn’t sustain a full conversation with my peers that wouldn’t cause awkwardness.
I remember during my bartending job at university I observed my colleagues to develop a simple script for interacting with customers and my colleagues. This helped to reduce my anxiety as I became less lost while serving customers, and ensuring that I did all of the correct procedures, such as asking whether they wanted ice in their drink.
Furthermore, on the job, I also assimilated behaviours to ensure that I came across as approachable and “normal” to the customers and my colleagues. For example, every time I started the shift, I put on my mask, which consisted of forcing myself to smile, make eye contact and remembering to pronounce my words slowly and clearly. Although there were moments when my mask slipped, such as when the multiple conversations overstimulated me, camouflaging protected me from my fear of being detected as “weird.”
The cost of masking
Research has found that Autistic people who camouflage are more likely to experience anxiety and depression (Cassidy et al, 2018). There are multiple reasons why camouflaging increases co-occurring conditions for Autistic people.
Firstly, it’s exhausting having to put up a persona 24/7. During social events, I’ve always had to mentally prepare myself to endure the complexities of social environments - keeping track of conversations, eye contact, and maintaining open body language. It’s not that I don’t enjoy social events but rather the social standards that are put upon myself increase these levels of anxiety and exhaustion.
Furthermore, camouflaging prevents us from living as our authentic selves. The pressure to conform to the majority means we have little time to behave authentically and openly stim. For me, university was a time when I discovered that I knew very little about myself. Over the years, I maintained a persona that helped me to make friends and feel welcome in the community. It’s not that I faked my persona, but rather I amplified the qualities that extroverted neurotypical people value, such as being outgoing, empathetic and engaging in small talk.
After being formally diagnosed with Autism in 2022, I experienced a severe depressive period after realising that most of my actions were based on whether a group of people liked me or not. I lost the inner child and inner teenager who loved to draw houses, play games and obsess over my latest interest. The further back I reflected on my life, the more angry and resentful I became of myself. I constantly asked why I let myself become a shell of myself, and why I allowed people to criticise my authentic self. This resulted in me experiencing a severe depression where I could no longer maintain my camouflaging behaviours and fulfil a persona that neurotypical people valued.
What Next?
What helped me to uncover my camouflaging and understand more about myself was reading books and watching videos about Autism from those who experienced masking themselves. This allowed me to be compassionate and kind to my adult self as well as my inner child, allowing them to know that masking was a subconscious response to the trauma that I experienced.
Additionally, it’s helped to talk to friends and family who are open to understanding Autism. This includes educating them on different Autistic qualities and thinking patterns, and describing different situations from our perspective. For instance, I described to my sister what it was like going to a concert, in which I disclosed how I not only saw the performer, but I saw the strobing lights, the feel of the vibrations, and the smell of food all at once.
Ultimately, raising awareness of Autism among our friends and family contributes to eradicating the stigmatised perceptions about Autism.
Further Information
Price, D (2022) Unmasking Autism: The Power of Embracing Our Hidden Neurodiversity. Monoray.
https://embrace-autism.com/autism-and-camouflaging/
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