“Red Flags” as an Autistic Person
Disclaimer: Any views, opinions and tips on this blog are personal and belong solely to myself (Kyra) and don’t represent the views of affiliated professionals and organisations. Additionally, I’m not a professional advisor regarding Autism and the content produced on this blog is solely from my own experiences.
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In my lifetime, there have been many times when I’ve failed to acknowledge people’s “red flags".” It’s not until I’m knee-deep into a situation that I realise I’m being taken advantage of.
It’s been found that an estimate of 90% of Autistic people have experienced abuse in their lives, whether it’s romantic or platonic (Douglas and Sedgewick, 2023).
Nevertheless, in recent years I’ve realised that I sometimes displayed behaviours that were seen as “red flags” to other people (particularly non-Autistic people).
Inspired by Shamiha Said’s blog post on this topic, I want to discuss two Autistic qualities of mine that could be interpreted as “red flags” to the naked eye.
Firstly, I have the habit of seeing the good in everyone, whether I’ve interacted with them or not. My belief is to not judge a character on first impressions or from other people’s opinions, as I wouldn’t like people to judge me solely on my Autistic qualities which are sometimes viewed as “awkward” or “weird” by non-Autistic people.
However, with this belief comes a failure to recognise people who have ill intentions. For example, I remember at university I always wanted to help people struggling with their assignments, whether that involved reading through their work for them or giving feedback. But, unfortunately, there was someone who took advantage of my generosity. Instead of acknowledging their ill intentions, I brushed it off thinking that they generally saw me as a friend. I was unfortunately wrong!
According to Embrace Autism, some Autistic people may recognise characteristics as toxic but lose confidence in their judgment due to failing to contextualise social information. As a result, many Autistic people overthink and explain the “red flags” away.
I was someone who explained“red flags” away due to looking for the good in people and fearing what rejection could implicate.
Another “red flag” is failing to understand different perspectives. Sometimes, I fall into the trap of not understanding people’s intentions and behaviours. For instance, when someone disrespects someone who has done nothing wrong towards them, such as an angry customer.
Most particularly, I have to always remind myself that not everyone wants to be consoled after experiencing trauma or are in a low mood. My immediate reaction is that no one should be left alone during their darkest moments, but sometimes being alone allows people to recuperate and process the situation. There have been times when I’ve failed to admit this “red flag,” but it only makes me more determined to do more reading and learn about different perspectives.
This “red flag” goes hand in hand with the double empathy theory. The double empathy theory suggests that “when people with different experiences of the world interact, they struggle with each other.” In reference to the interactions between Autistic and non-Autistic people, the lack of empathy is the result of the breakdown of mutual understanding between the two groups (Milton et al., 2020).
Not everything that an Autistic person does will make sense to a neurotypical person, and not everything that a neurotypical person does makes sense to an Autistic person. What matters most is that there is a clear mutual understanding that everyone has different ways of living and everyone must respect that.
Reflecting on these two “red flags” has made me realise that no one is perfect and I’ll sometimes unintentionally display actions that others will deem as a problem. However, there are no such things as “good” and “bad” in these circumstances. Although my perceived naivety may place me in difficult situations, the good side is that I’m not someone who’ll judge a character on first impressions. That is something at least I’ll continue to practice all my life. Thus, if you’re an Autistic person with these “red flags,” please don’t change yourself entirely to abide by neurotypical norms.